Week 5 – NY Jets @ San Diego: “The horror… the horror…”

One of my favourite David Letterman* jokes goes thus:

QN: How do you know when it’s football season in New York?

ANS: When Mets fans change the M to a J on their “Mets Suck” signs.

I can laugh at this because 1) I’m a Mets fan (although that’s probably more about me burning a candle for the legacy of John McGraw, Willie Mays, Christy Mathewson, Fred Merkel, Bobby Thompson and Leo Durocher than a genuine connection to the Mets) and 2) it’s true. The Jets absolutely suck.

If you’re reading this looking for some San Diego praise, sit tight, it’s on its way, but without any doubt the story here is how bad the Jets were on the day – let alone so far this season.

Do you start with the Gang Green’s disgusting excuse for an offensive (no pun intended) line that couldn’t protect a cupcake from a fat kid, let alone its starting QB?

Speaking of the starting quarterback, do you begin a review of this game with Geno Smith, who can’t remember to switch his watch back two hours for a team meeting, let alone remember his playbook?

In the great scheme of things, missing a team meeting isn’t like getting busted doing lines off a supermodel’s bum in a strip club, while posing for photos waving a loaded Glock around on game eve, but it says a lot about where this team is at mentally and in terms of its players’ professionalism.

Or do you just write a review of this game that says: “abandon hope all ye who enter this locker room?”

The Jets put Michael Vick in at QB for the second half. AND HE MADE GENO SMITH LOOK LIKE A BETTER OPTION.

Right about now, Mark Sanchez is looking at that $2.25 million (U.S) he’s getting to watch Nick Foles call plays and thanking a higher power. If he’s not, he should be.

And Philly should go into the used car trade: “Hey, New York, you got a second? I can do you a great deal on a former Atlanta QB who did some jail time. He was our back up for a while, and we don’t want to get rid of him – honest to god – but, you know, we got a baby on the way and the ol’ lady says I gotta get something a bit more family friendly, know what I’m sayin’?”

If you have to find a positive for the Jets, it’s that their defense got to Philip Rivers three times in the game. Ordinarily, sacking the opposing QB that many times over four quarters would be giving your offense an awesome platform to head for the win with, but not so in New York’s case. The Chargers still put 31 unanswered points on them. Rock crushes scissors.

Rex Ryan’s been reported in the postgame saying that he knows he won’t have a job in 2015 if he can’t turn around the Jets season. Don’t worry about 2015 Mr Ryan, with the Broncos on their way to MetLife for your week six clash, you might be needing moving boxes a lot sooner than you think.

So what of the Chargers?

Home field advantage, a game played in 40 degree celsius (104 F) heat and still able to keep the metaphorical foot on their opponent’s neck from kickoff to final whistle.

All the talk in the AFC is – rightly – about the Pats, Cincy and Denver. And while they sit at 4-1 in the AFC West, I’m hardly sticking my neck out to say I think they can win their conference. Yup. Their conference.

The rejuvenation of Phil Rivers aside, the Bolts have got swagger, they’re hungry and as I mentioned above, they never let up on the Jets for one moment in Sunday’s game, suggesting some essential killer instinct is there.

As if things couldn’t get any better, the Chargers get to beat up on the 0-4 Raiders next Sunday at the Coliseum.

Good times to come in San Diego.

And no one leaves here until the Jets do a lap with their pants ’round their ankles. Rules is rules.

Oct 5
Qualcomm Stadium, San Diego CA (63,471)

NY Jets       0  0   0  0 –  0
San Diego   7  14  7  3 – 31

Passing: Philip Rivers (SD), 288 YDS, 3 TD, 1 INT
Rushing: Branden Oliver (SD), 19 CAR, 114 YDS, 1 TD
Receiving: Malcolm Floyd (SD), 3 REC, 72 YDS
Pigskin Almanac “I Can’t Believe I Have to Give You Guys Your Dream Shot: You Two Characters… Are Going To Miramar” Award: Branden Oliver


*At least, Dave’s the first person I heard say this joke, but I suspect it may have been in circulation for a while…

About Steve Baker

Steve Baker cashed in his horses for choppers and went tear-assing around 'Nam, looking for the shit. He's been known to chopper in t-bones and beer and turn the L-Z into a beach party. Steve's the defending 'Most Pessimistic Dallas Fan' champion and is in the midst of a life-long campaign to one day buy the Cowboys off Jerry Jones and end the madness. He's also chief button-pusher for the Footy Almanac Podcast, so you can blame him.


  1. Steve

    Love the line about pants around the ankles.

    Agree, just like playing pool in the pub, rules are rules


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